


Dog Day Afternoon

by clionaeilis



Category: due South
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:30:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clionaeilis/pseuds/clionaeilis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>--originally posted to lj in April 2003</p><p>This goofball of a thing was inspired by a particularly raucous chat with the usual writing-group suspects, wherein it was wondered what it would be like if Ray was pissed at a poodle - my attempts to get out of writing it, by saying 'but I can only write dialogue these days', was met with 'so, write it as dialogue-only then!' Thanks to Ardent for her beta love!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dog Day Afternoon

“Okay, okay, alright, ma’am. You’re not paying attention! Quit it with – . Please. Put your dog down, and just FOCUS. Right here. Do I look like this isn’t anything serious? You need to answer my questions, make a statement. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can leave. And your little dog, too.”

“I can assure you, madam, I’ll let nothing untoward happen to your pet. He’ll be right here with me while you finish with Detective Vecchio.”

TEN MINUTES LATER

“Just out that door, take a right – down the hallway, it’s on the left.”

“She couldn’t wait five more minutes? I’m telling you Frase, she’s making me batty, with the sighing and the nodding and the ‘would you like a mint?’ every other second – “

“Honestly, Ray, the woman is 87 years old, clearly suffering the effects of Parkinson’s disease and diabetes, and I daresay still in shock from witnessing –“

“A car running a red light halfway down the street, pretty traumatic – I know I’d faint dead a–“

“and being swept up into a fast-paced high-pressure environment for reasons entirely unknown to her –“

“Frase, you just said a traffic violation gave her post-dramatic syndrome whatsie, how you think she’s gonna react I tell her about the dead body in the trunk, huh?”

“My point, Ray, is that I cannot believe you are unable to find yourself capable of treating this elderly woman with the respect I know you know she deserves. I mean, honestly.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t think a sweet little old lady who was really such a sweet little old lady would own a dog with that kind of nasty attitude.”

“Ray – “

“No, I mean it, Fraser. I mean, that thing, that ugly face – yeah, I’m talking about you! – has been giving me the evil eye this whole time, you think dear Mrs. Puddintane didn’t notice that, wasn’t happy about it even -- huh? Huh?”

"Are you saying that you're treating Mrs. Puddintane badly to get back at her dog?"

"No, I'm not, not that, just - the stupid dust-rag kept throwing me off my rhythm the whole time, don't tell me you didn't see it circling me, you saw that, right?"

"Yes, it’s true the dog was pacing and restless, no doubt it was nervous energy. The Shih Tsu is known for its high strung personality. Can you think of a more anxious circumstance for it to be in, Ray?"

"But what you, I bet, didn't notice was that the whole time, every time I moved around, shifted position, that stupid sh -"

"Ray!"

"-tzu for brains dog just darted around so it was still facing me, Frase! That mop-handled freak, with outta date hair by the way - yeah, you're stuck with a tacky 80's two-tone bad dye job for life, pal - spent the whole time giving me the hairy eyeball, sneering at me, on purpose, I swear to god."

"You had glazed doughnuts for breakfast again, didn't you? I can't stress enough the benefit of starting the day with a little protein, it really helps ground one's energy."

"You're a freak, and for your information, no I -- there! Look! Look! Right there! That Duran Duran mutt just--did you see? With the eyebrow? Don't friggin' throw me that one, I will use you to shine my shoes, I swear. Oh, you think so, huh? Go ahead. Try me!”

“What on earth – Ray, you are arguing with a show dog, you do realize that?”

“Where's a camera? You? Saying that? No, wait. Where's Dief? Why don't you ask *him* his opinion on this whole thing? Huh Fraser?”

“I’m sure Diefenbaker would agree you’re being entirely unreasonable.”

“Hah! Of course, right! What was I thinking? Yeah, what am I thinking, buttface, can you read this face, huh?”

“Ray. Ray. Ray, staring is a sign of aggression.”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m doing it, maybe I should show a little teeth, make sure he gets the message… Hah, looked away! I win!”

“Does this mean you’ve finished harassing an animal approximately one-twentieth of your body weight?”

“Su – you know how much I weigh?”

“I have eyes, and can perform basic mathematical calculations, Ray.”

“That’s a dig, right? Ooh ouch, Frase. So, where is she? You don’t think she skipped out on finishing? Or forgot?”

“I can’t imagine she’d forget – what is your name, by the way? The tag says ‘Travis’, I presume that’s you? Travis, do you think Mrs. Puddintane might need our assistance?”

“Wait a minute!”

“I see. Of course, you’re upset. Understandably. Oh, no need to apologize, I’m terribly sorry for my partner’s – “

“Don’t you say it, don’t you dare say it, Fraser!”

“He’s beside himself, thanks to you, Ray. You must be proud of your detective skills, you’ve broken him wide open. I’m sure he’d confess to killing Granger himself.”

“I love how you can have a heart-to-heart and that’s all a-okay, but me, I’m unhinged if I do it.”

“Well perhaps if you had asked Travis at the outset why he looked at you that way, rather than assuming, you might not have lost your temper.”

“Fine! Travis, why did you look at me that way when I was talking to Mrs. Puddintane?”

“Better late than never, I suppose. I’m sure – ah – once Travis remembers clearly – oh – he’ll give a very diff – I see. Well.”

“What? What?”

“Um. It would appear, Ray, that your - Well, your guess was -“

“Right. I was right, right? See? Told you, you never trust my hunches Frase, and I’m telling you, one of these days…”

“If it’s any consolation, Travis apologizes for his rude behavior.”

“It don’t count if it’s not to me. I mean is he a dog or a pussy, he can’t look me in the eye and come clean? Ooh, got your attention now, huh Travis?”

“No, I assure you, he is not usually this crude. Ray, I hope it disturbs you as much as it does me that, right now, Travis is being the bigger man in this conversation.”

“He’s just playing nice to keep him in your lap and you scratching his head, don’t kid yourself, Fraser. He’s a jerk, yeah, but he’s not an idiot.”

“Oh I don’t think so, look at his face now, Ray. I think Travis truly wishes to make amends.”

“Whatever, I just want him outta my line-of-sight when the old lady comes back, so I can finish this nightmare – Fraser, what’s he doing?”

“I believe Travis is attempting to apologize, Ray.”

“Yeah, but I’m over here, why’s he crouched by your foot?”

“Perhaps he’s not yet confident his apology will be accepted. But do you see? He’s prostrating himself, a classic sign of submission.”

“Yeah, but – he’s prostrating himself on top of your shoe…”

“And another sign of conciliation, he’s tilting his head down and back – "

“Still on the shoe, Frase. Raising his tail, that another sign, huh?”

“Well, it could be –“

“- could be he’s humping your leg? He’s humping your leg! You keep humping his leg I’m gonna stomp that look off your face, into the concrete!”

“Er – it’s quite a grip he’s got – Travis, control yourself, I don’t wish to hurt you.”

“Stop swinging your foot around, Frase, so I can kick him – “

“Ray, I will not let you injure an animal under my care, no matter – oh dear!”

“HAH! Oh shoot, you missed the wall – let him get on again, this time aim more to your left….”

“I’m sorely tempted to put you on my leg and throw you across the room, Ray!”

“……Yeah?”

“Yes!”

“Yeah…”

“What? Er, um, where did Travis – ah, Mrs. Puddintane!”

“Huh? Oh good, greatness, let’s get this thing tied up with a bow already, ma’am if you’d just take your foot - seat…”

FIVE MINUTES LATER

“On behalf of the Chicago Police department, thank you for your cooperation with our investigation, Mrs. Puddintane. You’ve been a big help. You and Travis. Yes, he’s a darling dog. No, thank you, I’m allergic to mint. Since I was 10. Here we are. After you. Buh bye now. Thank god! I need coffee, pronto.”

“I thought as much, I hope it’s to your liking.”

“Hey, thanks – it’s perfect, right amount of sugar, and chocolate? Wow, what did I do to deserve this?”

“You and Travis seem to have ended things on quite good terms.”

“Yeah, well – he gave me some good information, turns out.”

“To me as well, Ray, to me as well.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I saw that eyebrow!”


End file.
